Here are the internet’s dumbest theories about Kate Middleton

The Kate Middleton saga has been a boon to the tabloids and a boon to internet conspiracy theorists. Ever since Middleton underwent abdominal surgery in January and then failed to attend a number of annual and/or scheduled events, the internet has been abuzz with theories about what might have happened to her. Then came the photos that were doctored to make things even worse. Despite repeated claims from the palace that Kate was alive and well, public speculation persisted.

I admit it seems odd that the royal family didn’t do a better job of addressing public concerns about Middleton’s whereabouts. Is it really that hard to post a video of Kate speaking directly and saying, “Hey, uh, yeah, I’m fine – don’t worry, y’all”? Of course, if she did, there would be plenty of theories about the video being a deepfake. Let’s face it: in the modern era, reality no longer exists, and all that remains is the endlessly speculative nature of digital infotainment. No one really cares if Middleton lives or dies, they just want to laugh, joke, and post about it.

With that in mind, here are some of the internet’s best guesses at what happened to Middleton.

Kate is dead

The most popular conspiracy theory surrounding the princess’ disappearance from public life is that she is dead. Conspiracy theorists speculated that Middleton’s abdominal surgery went horribly wrong and she did not survive. I’m not sure what the point of this is. If the princess died, wouldn’t it make more sense to just tell the public? Why pretend she’s still alive? The same logic involved here seems to have inspired the classic Beatles “Paul is Dead” conspiracy theory.

Kate is in a coma

Another theory related to the failed surgery scene suggests that Kate may not have died, but was actually in a coma. This theory actually makes more sense than the “death” theory, as the royal family would actually have some motivation to pretend everything is fine in the hope that the comatose Kate will wake up soon.

Kate had plastic surgery

Another theory is that Middleton never actually had abdominal surgery and that the surgery she actually underwent was cosmetic surgery — possibly involving her face. There seem to be two main variations on this theory: 1) the surgery went well, but she needed a little time to recover from it; 2) the surgery went horribly wrong, and now Middleton must hide from public life until the royals can figure it out Know how to repair surgery.

Kate just takes a day off (or ten)

Can’t a royal princess enjoy a day off? Some online speculators claim Middleton is simply buying himself some time. This theory would make sense if it weren’t for the fact that the entire internet/Western world is currently panicking about her whereabouts. I think the royal family will ask her to show up then.

Kate has a body double

One popular theory is that Middleton has a body double that the royal family deployed during her strange absence over the past few weeks. It doesn’t seem impossible for the rich and famous to have body doubles. That said, it’s unclear why Middleton needs to deploy one now.

The “Pet Shop” video is fake

Recently, in order to appease public concerns about the princess, Prince William and a person who claimed to be Kate Middleton publicly visited a pet store, and the two were caught on video. Yes, William was seen walking around the store with, uh…someone. Internet geniuses quickly began scrutinizing the video and claiming that the woman William was with was not, in fact, the princess.

charles is dead

I’m not sure how this fits in with other theories, but some online conspiracy theorists have speculated that King Charles was actually a recently deceased person. I don’t know why this would require Middleton to disappear from public life while Charles’ own son remains in the spotlight, but you get the idea. Charles was really old and had cancer, so his death made more sense than Middleton’s. But he’s not dead yet. I do not think so.

Kate is getting divorced

A less outlandish theory doing the rounds is that Middleton is actually divorcing William and has left the royal family. So the theory goes that the royals are trying to pretend everything is fine and therefore are deploying stand-ins/actresses/fake photos etc. to create the illusion of Kate to remove any suspicion of her absence. The theory comes after rumors emerged that Prince William was cheating on Middleton with the Marchioness of Cholmondeley. I don’t know who that person is, and I don’t care.

Kate gets BBL

One of the more popular (and silly) conspiracy theories is that Kate had a BBL – a Brazilian Butt Lift. You could call it a sub-variant of plastic surgery theory. Internet trolls have been joking about this. The theory gained so much traction that representatives close to the royal family had to clarify that Middleton had not undergone the surgery.

Ozempic is involved in some way

It seems like everyone rich and famous is using the miracle weight loss drug Ozempic these days. Although it seems destined to have many negative health effects and caused one woman endless bouts of diarrhea, the world’s richest people just can’t get enough of it. Some believe Middleton recently took Ozempic and subsequently suffered a gut-related “injury.”

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