George Costanza steps up to the plate, ready to bat. The pitch flew in. crackle. The ball is out of here. This is George’s 47th home run this season. A stocky, balding, five-foot-four-inch man, he jogged leisurely around the bases and returned to the dugout with other George Costanzas.
Although they are his doppelgangers, none of them are like him. They’re just regular Georges, and so far, in 161 games, they’ve done their best.
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When the New York Yankees hit spring training at the start of the season MLB Show 24’s franchise model, you can tell something isn’t right. Aaron Judge is no longer a burly leader of men, Gerrit Cole is no longer a star pitcher, and Juan Soto is no longer a silver-slugger winning hitter. Instead, they are all self-insert versions of Larry David. They are all George.
A group of utterly desperate, extremely frugal, and occasionally charming Constantas descend on Yankee Stadium. They are no longer just assistants to traveling secretaries in the mid-1990s. They are players eager to realize the boundless and inexplicable potential George displayed in a scene titled “Abstinence” in the ninth episode of Season 8.
After calmly explaining to the Yankees’ Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams that “hitting isn’t about muscles, it’s about simple physics,” the completely sexless and therefore very smart George hit three straight. A home run. Wear a damn shirt and tie. It’s a rare glimpse into what I call the “UberCostanza,” a bit like Nietzsche’s “Ubermensch,” but far from sexy as a concept adopted by the Nazi Party. A genius who can do anything and solve any problem, but only if he can’t think of getting laid.
In my all-Costanza Yankees team, where all pitchers, hitters, and relievers were replaced with a gendered Costanza clone, I placed an UberCostanza, a pure virgin, with an overall rating of 99, making him one of the best players in the league. He’s a center fielder who’s going to bat first in the lineup so we can filter out all the weird nutless November Reddit types who will inevitably adore him – because this is 2024 – whenever he’s not around When the time comes, they’ll be back in the parking lot fighting to ensure the safety of ordinary people.
They all stood there like a bunch of greasy savages at the gates of Constantinople, sexually frustrated, semen-overloaded Swifties, listening to the clatter that accompanied the cheers of the Yankee Stadium crowd – which Inevitably heralding another home run for the tall and follicle-challenged Taylor. But the Costanza experiment, which began in March 2024 and lasted until the end of September of that year, with the Yankees playing 162 games, isn’t just of interest to those who might have rather regretful views about women.
Each Costanza’s body type is the opposite of what is expected of the average baseball player, suddenly growing and morphing into a different form every time a pitcher is pulled out or a batter returns to the dugout – with more height and limbs. Close to the dimensions of a six-foot-tall man. I call this strange phenomenon “stretching,” and can’t help but wonder, every time The Show 24’s animation fails to grasp how to handle the peculiar corpus that houses each Costanza’s tortured psyche, Major League Baseball How terrified the major league crowd was.
As the season begins, I’m trying to distract myself from the weird guys who are probably exchanging grainy, grainy photos of Bigfoot mid-Costanzas in the seedy corners of the internet. I stop myself from thinking about the clicking of their little fingers as they try to tie this mystery to fluoridated water and a lizard-people conspiracy, and I start by imagining how the rest of Seinfeld’s cast might fit into this brutal new TV series to do this. world.
I imagined Jerry himself as the Yankees’ general manager, responsible for assembling this roster of beautiful misfits. I imagined him reporting to Hal Steinbrenner, voiced by Larry David, who acted exactly like the comedian’s version of his father, George (the original Big Steinbrenner). I imagine him falling out with the club’s new manager, Newman, who has a tendency to bark the minutiae of every game at the referee in a pseudo-Shakespearean fashion, and then try to evade fines.
I imagine Kramer somehow becoming the Yankees’ mascot and convincing the front office that he actually deserves to exist, completely out-dancing even Philly fanatics, and in the process accidentally making the most of the best known to man. Powerful spells were placed on the unsuspecting pitcher. I imagine Elaine playing the role of Costanza’s agent for every single one of them on the team and trying in vain to negotiate every contract extension with them that would satisfy their endless whims, including every giant salad the organization agreed to eat for each of them Pay. I imagine Mr. and Mrs. Costanza sitting in the stands, arguing endlessly about who was more responsible for the outcome of UberCostanza, completely ignoring the value of his entire team’s doomed twins.
None of this helps.
So is the fact that the Constanzas are losing. By the end of April, their record was 0-31, breaking the longest losing streak in MLB history. Suck it, 1899 Louisville Colonel. By the end of June, they were 0-85, and despite being just over halfway through the season, there was no way they could finish with a winning record. Every frustrating month of regular losses is punctuated by a huge hit. In April, the Toronto Blue Jays were routed 81-1, by far the worst loss in MLB history. In May, the Houston Astros were outscored 141-4, and in June, the Minnesota Twins were thrashed 182-1.
Every time, it feels like the game is sending a message. The Georges often received a merciless and embarrassing whipping in their lives off the court. These scores are so ridiculous that they shouldn’t even be possible, but they are, because when it comes to George, there will be no mercy from those in power. The fickle forces that rule our universe—and the forces of MLB The Show 24—like to bully him. They couldn’t get enough of each George’s thoughts, and after these beatings were over, they paced back to the clubhouse and took turns throwing their arms in the air like Yosemite Sam, shouting “George is angry!”
There was a moment during the season when George wasn’t frustrated.
On July 28, 2024, Costanza defeated the Boston Red Sox 1-0 in overtime. George, the leader on the mound, had increased his total to 2 runs at this point and was throwing shutouts despite somehow allowing 283 hits according to the statistics. The Yankees finally added a victory to their previous 106 losses. For UberCostanza, whose statistics (from home runs to WAR) have kept him firmly among the top ten players in the league for most of the season, this is the moment when all that hard work pays off, albeit fleetingly. fleeting.
He had had to endure a total of 160 losses when he hit his 47th home run to break a shutout from the Pittsburgh Pirates’ third-string pitcher in the final game of the season for both teams. This is destined to be his 161st game as the Buccaneers already lead by 26 points, but he will be as active as ever.
Because he is George. He is Costanza, the King of Idiots. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic.
The only man worth living a lie, during one glorious summer in George, he shattered America’s pastime once and for all.
