How to set boundaries early in dating

I had just finished taking a shower when my cell phone rang on the windowsill. Alas, this is out of reach. But I have a vague suspicion about who sent this message.

I stood up and leaned against my device, shower gel and water dripping all over the floor. I swiped up with wet fingers to check WhatsApp and immediately wished I had stayed in the bathtub.

“Send photos,” came the message from someone I barely knew.

Until this moment, everything was going smoothly. So good, in fact, that I was deeply skeptical.

Sending nude photos to almost strangers in the early stages of dating was a boundary for me. This may not be the case for everyone, but personally, I wouldn’t do it unless I was sleeping with that person. But at this point, I hadn’t even gone on a first date with this guy. We just went out with friends at night and kissed and started texting each other.

I sat back in the tub and thought about how to respond. My heart races as I ask myself if fulfilling this requirement would be easier. My thoughts urged me not to be embarrassed or prude. But there was something stronger overriding all of that – a strong feeling that I just didn’t want to do what they were asking me to do. The anxiety I felt in my body told me that if I gave in, I would be crossing my own boundaries.

I waited for an hour, trying to find the right words to tell him “no.” “Hey,” I started. “So I have a rule that I don’t send pictures to people unless I’ve slept with them.” He responded almost immediately. “It’s a very good rule,” he said. The conversation returned to our previous discussion. No embarrassment, no worries, nothing I worried about happened.

But I can’t shake the feeling that, at 30, I shouldn’t have to go through the trouble of telling a man I’ve met twice that I don’t want to do something. But here we are. My friends have also told me that they experience high levels of nervousness and anxiety when it comes to setting boundaries early in dating.

Why are boundaries important?

So why are boundaries so important? “Boundaries set the groundwork for how a person wants to be treated,” says Neil Wilkie, founder of the online couples therapy platform Relationship Paradigm. “Clear boundaries are vital to our own mental health and self-esteem. ”

Mix and match after dark

While this article focuses on boundaries in dating, romantic, and sexual relationships, I want to point out that boundaries are crucial in all relationships—whether it’s with family, friends, coworkers, or even your internet followers. For marginalized communities, respecting boundaries is important to prevent re-traumatization, and examples of boundary violations include white people asking black friends to explain racism and people tagging survivors of sexual violence in social media posts about sexual trauma. Everyone has the right to set boundaries and have them respected.

Why does setting boundaries feel so difficult?

Boundaries are key, but when it comes to dating, establishing them with someone you like but don’t know that well can seem a little daunting at first. “When we feel nervous about maintaining other people’s approval, we may compromise our boundaries,” Rachael Lloyd, a relationship expert at eharmony, told me. “But once you start doing this, your sense of self will be eroded, and you’ll quickly lose yourself in the relationship.” If you’re not 100 percent sure of your boundaries, your gut says Might tell you. “You’ll know when a boundary has been crossed because you may suddenly feel emotions being triggered in your body.”

Establishing boundaries early also means stemming any potential sources of resentment and friction that may arise in the future. “Early in a relationship, couples rarely discuss boundaries, which means the ground rules are unclear and uncertain,” explains Wilkie. Discussing your sexual boundaries with a new partner is especially important to ensure you both feel comfortable and safe. “It’s much easier to talk about boundaries early in the relationship because it will come from a place of growth and clarity rather than resentment and blame,” Wilkie adds.

How to talk about boundaries

What do you do if a discussion with a new date turns into areas you don’t like? “If you get into a topic that makes you feel uncomfortable or sensitive, like political views, family life, or salary, politely stick to your boundaries and explain that you don’t want to discuss the topic at this time while changing the subject,” explains Lloyd. : “You have something in common. ”

But you don’t have to wait until you cross it to discuss boundaries. Why not talk about your boundaries? “Introduce the topic gently, maybe ask them, ‘What is important to you in a relationship?’. If they open up, that’s great. If not, try again in a different way Give it a try,” Wilkie suggested. “Pay attention to what is important to you and what boundaries you feel are being crossed. Ask these questions in this way: ‘When you do X, I feel like that,’ rather than ‘When you do X It’s scary’.

If the person is unwilling to discuss boundaries, or they react poorly to you setting them, this may be a red flag. “If they push boundaries and don’t want to engage in conversations about it, then ask them if they’re right for me?” Wilkie said.

When it comes to intimacy, it is recommended that you bring up sexual boundaries before having sexual contact with the other person. At this point, if you are having sex with someone and a boundary is crossed, remember that you can withdraw consent at any time and that consent is required for every new sexual act introduced into the encounter. Our boundaries change and evolve over time, so if you’re in a long-term relationship with someone, check in with each other and understand your situation.

If you’re in a long-term relationship with someone and want to have meaningful conversations about each other’s boundaries, you might try making a list. Wilkie recommends having each partner list their boundaries, then sharing and discussing what those boundaries mean to them before comparing any similarities and differences. It is important to ensure that your views are heard and understood. If you think there’s room for improvement in the way your partner interacts with and respects these boundaries, tell them. If you wish, you can schedule regular meetings to discuss these issues and whether enough progress is being made.

At the end of the day, we all have the right to draw boundaries and they should be respected. Just because you’re in the early stages of dating someone doesn’t mean you have to compromise on things that make you feel protected and safe. How the person responds to the boundaries that are set will often give you a good idea of ​​whether the relationship is worth pursuing.

This article was first published in 2020 and republished in 2024.